Today, we present a quiz on national security, Republican Party presidential politics and some of the patriots who adorn the American airwaves.

Question #1: Does America want to:

A. Secure the border

B. Seal the border

C. Close the border

If you chose A, you may be a Republican presidential candidate. The “secure the border” answer is one often heard from GOP hopefuls these days. For example, John McCain, who was stung by some party faithful for his past support of comprehensive immigration reform, now says he “got the message.” McCain formerly supported a long and conditioned path to citizenship for some illegal immigrants living in our fair land, but now says he “got the message,” meaning “we must first secure the border.”

Now, there has been scant explaination as to when securing the border will officially be reached. Is it when the number of illegal immigrants, sorry, I meant to say illegal alien apprehensions reaches some sort of acceptable level, or is it when such apprehensions stop all together? Is it when we reach a certain number of Border Patrol agents? Is it when only white guys are found to be working at construction sites, farms, and in the kitchens of fancy restaurants?

Is it when we get some of our troops back from Iraq and station them along the border, (Canada too maybe?), to keep armed watch against all of those drywallers, farm workers and hotel cleaning ladies coming through?

We just don’t know because no one is defining when that magic moment comes when the border is secured. McCain is the closest I’ve heard. The Arizona senator says once he’s takes office as president that he will work closely with border governers, (would that include Minnesota and New York’s guvs as well?), and then at some point these governors will certify the border as being secure. Thank goodness.

If you chose answer B, seal the border, you are likely a conservative talk show host or caller to these shows. For example, Fox News’ Sean Hannity is always talking about “sealing the border,” and says this country ought to do “whatever it takes” to get that done. Hannity, who grew up on Long Island in New York, looks really cute in his blue jean jacket and boots when he roughs it in the wild while venturing from his broadcast booth in NYC to trek down to “the border” for some photo opps for his show.

Showing a vast understanding based on the 15 minutes he has spent on “the border,” Hannity regularly holds forth on how Jorge the construction worker and Linda the hotel cleaning lady are “violating our sovereignty” by crossing illegal into this country, (a misdemeanor by the way under current civil law), to do all sorts of dastardly things, like, build houses and clean hotel rooms.

In fairness to pugnacious Sean, all sorts of his talk show species regularly spout off about “sealing the border,” a place they haven’t been to or seen other than the television imagery of Mexicans being herded into the back of Border Patrol trucks. Sean & Co., don’t really define what “sealing the border” means or how they would do it. We can feel in the blanks, I guess. Doing “whatever it takes” sounds pretty strong, though. Maybe some of the returning troops from the surge in Iraq can be redeployed to Eagle Pass.

If you chose answer C, close the border, you may live in a small town in Iowa. During the recently concluded presidential campaigns for the GOP caucuses in Iowa, illegal immigration became issue #1 in a state that is 97 percent white in its people composition. The fact that a few thousand Hispanics now call Iowa home has unsettled some of the locals in Iowa who apparently aren’t used to that sort of overwhelming diversity. I mean, when you’re only 97 percent of the population, you can see where there is cause for concern.

Hence, the GOP candidates often heard the following line during their campaign stops in Iowa: “What are you, (insert presidential candidate here), going to do to close the border?” To which, McCain, Huckabee, Romney, etc., would go into the whole “secure the border” thing.

 Now, when an Iowan wants to “close the border” so he or she won’t to have see another Mexican in their state, does this mean that all international bridges should be closed, or that all commerce between the U.S. and Mexico should come to a complete halt, or that the affluent Monterrey crowd can no longer shop at La Plaza Mall in McAllen?

I don’t know but I think it works like this. First we secure the border with gobs more Border Patrol agents. Then we seal the border with armed military troops. And then we close the border all together, which would bring the expansion at the Mercedes mall to a screeching halt being that the DeLeon family from Nuevo Leon will be deprived of their free enterprise right to buy overpriced Ray Ban sunglasses in America.

But, you know, about 45 percent of illegal immigrants in America didn’t cross a border. They came in legally, but then overstayed their visas.

So it begs the question: When are we going to secure, seal and close the visa offices?